How I learned to flirt without being all weird about it.
(Podcast Show Notes)
Welcome back to the Great Date Guy, let's talk about getting you sexy ...without being creepy. Now, guys, if you're listening to this podcast, I know that there's a lot of struggle in this domain. There's a lot to juggle here. Because on one hand, there is a need to sexualize interactions. But on the other hand, if you do it at the wrong time, if you do it in the wrong way, it's real easy to be creepy, right?
Really easy to land on the wrong side of the interaction, to overextend to look like just like a creepy dude. And I think if I look at my own experience, that's one of the things that I was super, super worried about. I don't want to be creepy, I want to be attractive and sexy.
And oftentimes, that drive to avoid looking creepy... that drive to avoid coming off the wrong way to women, is also what gets us friendzoned.
So there's a very straightforward way of approaching this. First, you need to understand how to assure that you have mutual attraction. If you don't have mutual attraction, then this isn't going to work. If you're not certain that this person is attracted to you, then there's no reason to go and make things hyper sexual.
Now, you also don't have to go by the old rules of pickup and seduction, which is kind of like... look for like three indicators of interest. Is she touching you, is she laughing too much. Is she giving you proximity...
So those kinds of things are sort of irrelevant. And if you try to apply them to online dating, they become even more confusing. So set those aside for now, over going for here is explicit, verbal buy in.
Now, what does that look like it for me? The way that I approach this is that I let the other person know that I'm attracted to them. And I'll do it without any expectations. And this part is really important guys. I'll just say that I'm attracted them, I'll also make it really clear that I don't expect anything from them, no changes in behavior, not for them to do anything differently. Nothing. It's equally important that you mean it. So if she doesn't come back by letting you know that she's attracted you... it's critical that you do not throw a hissy fit, you do not let the emotions get the better of you.
You do what you can to dispel them, and you do not react in a way that makes you look like you had this agenda the entire time. And if you do have the agenda, then it's not the right time to let her know that you're attracted.
The expectations on your part are going to ruin this interaction. So don't do it that way. BUT if you've got her buy in at this point, if she's on board, right, if she is attracted to you, as well, explicitly, verbally... she's going to let you know that she's attracted.
And this is going to be a challenging step for a lot of you guys, because we're not used to communicating in this direct manner. And trust me, it makes a huge difference. I will also add that this works better over the phone or in person. So if you're doing this over text is likely not going to count as much, because there are a lot of guys that are communicating in this same way.
And (these guys) they're just telling everyone that they're interested. They're just going crazy sexual right from the beginning. And that doesn't work very well. So you don't want to ALSO be giving off these same signals, or women will assume you're desperate as well.
So yeah, don't do that. Now creating attraction is, I would say, a conversation for another day. But know that if you struggle to make emotional impact, if you struggle with expressing your emotions, that's the place to begin working.
If you find that you're getting stuck in the friendzone again, and again and again. If you find that people are getting bored of conversation with you, then the thing to examine is, am I making an emotional impact? Am I capable of doing that? Right? And even more fundamental than that, am I able to show up in a vulnerable way. And what I mean by that is, am I comfortable displaying my emotions in a genuine and authentic way. Not an act, not pretending, not *talking about* emotions, but actually showing what emotions you're experiencing.
Now that takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of letting go... but when you're capable of doing. It's very, very easy to establish emotional connection. The reasons for that, we've discussed in other podcasts.
But if you truly want to be devastating at dating, if you want to be amazing, right, then that's the place to start. How well do you understand emotions? How well can you facilitate them? How can you be a space for them? How can you create emotions and let other people know that you're experiencing these emotions?
From there, it's a matter of that attraction check-in: letting the other person know that you're attracted. And again, this comes down to vulnerability. Are you courageous enough to let yourself be exposed like this ...without expecting the safety of someone telling you... "Oh, yeah, I'm attracted to you, too".
If you can do that, then you're ready for stage three, which is sexual escalation, indicating sexual interest. And again, this follows the same rules as step number two. Are you capable of bringing this out with any expectations? Can you indicate that someone turns you on that you're aroused by this person for this reason, that you're attracted to this person without expecting them to reciprocate? And if you can, then that's it. That's the entire game.
If you want to be an expert in flirtation, then the basic rule that you need to understand is that flirtation is not a matter of being clever with your words, and working in puns about sexual things. You *could* do it that way. People will do it that way.
However, that's over complicating the process, you don't need to be a really intelligent, really fun person, in order to become a very flirty person.
You don't even need to be funny about it. The only thing that's involved in this process is simply indicating one thing that you are romantically interested in this other human being. And it's not just because of their looks, right? It's gotta be because you're actually authentically interested in this person. And if you're faking it... if you're talking to someone that you're not that attracted to, and you're just like, "Hey, I think you're really cute". It's not gonna land.
People have spent their entire lives learning to filter for lies... for deception. From the time that we're allowed to watch TV, or from the time that we're given a cell phone or a laptop, we have been instructed, we have been trained... to filter out and to look for any place that someone might be trying to trick us, or take advantage of us.
Now, if you identify as female, and you're listening to this right now, you're probably nodding along because you have had even more training as a result of the amount of male attention that you get, or female attention, that you get. People just that want to have sex with you, and nothing else.
You've been trained even more than men on this subject matter. So now you're experts. And now you're looking to see: is this person actually interested in me for me? Or do they just want to bang? (And a lot of women are interested in just banging it out. That's the thing. That definitely happens. And I would say that there are a lot of women who are past that and are looking for, can I get into a relationship with someone who cares about me, and wants to build a future with me? Now, this is an important distinction, because if you are talking with someone who is interested in the latter, and I would argue that more women are interested in this.)
In the long run, many women are interested in the security available in a committed relationship. Because for most women, getting sex is very simple. It's very straightforward. And over time, it loses its inherent value because it's abundantly available.
It would be like if you had guys access to free pizza, at any point in time, any day. from everyone, every store that you went to was just like, "Hey, bro, you want some pizza?"
For the first month, it would be amazing, maybe even for months, two, and three, but eventually at some point, you get a little bit tired of eating pizza. And you start looking for the other thing, right? It's like when you go to a foreign country and all you have available is their style of cuisine. You get sick of it.
Now women aren't sick of sex. Sex is really addictive. However, it loses some of its importance given societal advantages presented to them. So as a result, if you are only interested in a woman because of how she looks... because of her sexual value, that's actually quite a triggering thing for many women.
So if you are not, for instance, taking time to get to know her, actually her personality and look for, is this a fit for me? Are there any red flags here, based off of my past relationships and connections? Is this the type of person that I would get along with in the long run?
If you're not doing that, then rest assured that that's one of the reasons why you are not successful with women, or as successful as you would like to be. It was probably one of the reasons why you continue to date women that, in the long run, you do not end up in a long term relationship with. In the long run, it turns into something that doesn't really work, assuming you're looking for a relationship.
So if you see this pattern in your own life, then understand that it's probably related to this issue of filtering, am I filtering for someone that I'm genuinely attracted to, that will genuinely be able to create a workable relationship with me? Or am I getting caught up by my biology and just straight up looking for sex, and that's it.
Now, there's nothing wrong with this approach, right? And there are going to be women who are down for this. Especially younger women. But if you're looking for a relationship, if you're looking for something that goes beyond... I would argue that (flings are) a shallower experience. If I am deeply emotionally connected with someone that makes sex fucking amazing, right? That makes sex into one of the most addictive things ever. And if you've never experienced this before, you got to understand that there's a whole new depth and flavor and a variety and availability, in having someone being able to fully submit to you and experiment with you and bring out the kinky stuff.
But that doesn't really happen unless there is safety. And how do we create safety? Safety arrives from consistency from having time with another person and understanding that this person isn't going to continuously hurt me or betray me or lie to me about stuff. So it's very much rooted in authenticity. It is very much rooted in "Are you able to keep your word". Are you able to show up?
When you say that you're going to show up? Do you keep your promises? And on the surface...this sounds really easy, right? Because Yeah, most of us are as honest as we can be.
But real safety comes from fulfilling on the little casual promises that we make, too. Did I say that I was going to send her a screenshot of my schedule. Did I follow up on that? Did I promise to send an email but then not do that? These are all little things that detract from safety in the long run.
So you can see that this is kind of like a complex issue. And it's there's a good reason why if someone feels stuck, they continue to feel stuck for years and years and years. Because there are a number of different things at play here. All of which, if not done correctly, can ruin your chances of becoming a sexy, flirty motherfucker who is very successful with women or with men.
And this goes both ways. In a relationship where someone is flighty and unwilling to make plans or to show up, there is no safety for the other partner. And I see this a lot with women, where there is honor provided to the emotional state, and no honor provided to their word. Women who do not show up on dates who flake who come up with reasons not to be there because they don't feel like being there.
Now, there's nothing wrong with not showing up to a date because it doesn't feel safe, because there are warning signs. However, this becomes a form of self sabotage, as well. If you are not showing up, then there's no opportunity to get the relationship that you want. And this is the number one thing that guys complain about. Women are flaky. Now that's a bit blaming, that's a bit label-ey.
This is mostly true from what I've been experiencing. When I run into someone who has integrity. When she says she's going to show up, she shows up, that immediately adds a couple of points to her viability as a girlfriend. Now if I can't make meaningful plans with her, then I cannot make a meaningful relationship with her.
And so women, if there's that complaint in the background, "Hey, I just can't seem to find a man. I can't seem to make this relationship work". It is most likely, ladies, due to this lack of integrity with Word, and a fuller integrity with emotions. So for many women, their work is balancing those two dynamics.
Whereas on the other side, guys: that's what's missing for women, this access to emotions. And so it's really just a question of meeting in the middle. Am I capable of doing the thing that is difficult? For my gender stereotypically, right? Am I capable of doing the thing that's difficult for my gender, in order to get the thing that I want? Can I set aside my knee jerk reaction and do this thing to get what I actually want.
Now, again, I am assuming that what you are wanting is a deeply connected kind of soulmate level connection. A juicy sexy love with the two of you are so trusting of each other is so safe with each other, that you could not imagine being with another person.
So setting all of that aside, if what you're looking for is that juicy relationship, if you're looking for something with more depth, if you're looking to be fulfilled by your dating life, rather than drained by it, rather than feeling like it's work, then let's talk. This is the conversation that we need to have.
So I think that I've sort of taken us off the rails a little bit here, we're deep in the weeds. And where we started off with all of this was, how do I be flirty? Right?
How do I make this flirty vibe happen without being creepy. And guys, we talked about this, but I'm going to run through this as a quick recap,
Rhe first step is to establish emotional connection. That's a vulnerability, that's providing safety and a space for women to do the thing that allows them to feel emotionally connected to you, right. And so if you have judgments about the way that you experience emotions, if you're not okay, with crime, with sadness, with anger, without any other any other emotions that show up. If you're not okay with expressing those emotions yourself, *then that will be your handicap*.
And that will prevent you from getting to stage two, which is confirmation of attraction. And my preference here is that it's an *over* confirmation of attraction. I will let someone know that I'm attracted to them directly. And sometimes they'll let me know that they're attracted to me. And at that point, I'm good to go. From there, I can straight up just start flirting and escalating and talking about sex or whatever.
And this isn't talking about sex for the sake of talking about sex. This is very specific to that person, what kind of reaction are they bringing up in me, and I'm not making this up. I'm looking inward, I'm getting in touch with my feelings, the sensations, the thoughts that come up from being around this person? And what do I want to do to them? This is not at all different from the process of bringing up dirty talk, right? This is not different at all from that. Now we're going to call it flirtation. Because essentially what it is, is we're just indicating that we are interested and attracted and turned on by this person.
And that's all it takes. It's as simple as that. Now, obviously, along the way, there are mental barriers we get in our own way, this feels too risky, right? "I don't want to do it that way. Because it feels odd. It's not how I communicate". Trust that the fact that that's not the way that you communicate is the reason why you're stuck in the friendzone. That's it. As simple as that.
Now, I got a lot of pushback from guys on this because this is a sensitive subject, right? No one wants to be told what to do least of all for dating. But then it's crazy, because like, there are guys that are coming to me, and they're like, "I'm stuck in the friendzone. And I can't do this". And it's like, "I'm so frustrated with my life".
And it's like, "bro, you just got to do it *this* way". And then they're like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, I can't do that. Like know, what I'm doing is fine. I'm okay".
It's like "Literally dude? You were just talking about how upset you were with your dating life. Where are you getting your data? Why are you down to just continue doing the thing that you were doing that wasn't working?"
So we shoot ourselves in the foot, we let our ego get in the way. And if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably not one of those people. But if you notice those thoughts, remember those thoughts are the thing that are holding you back from succeeding.
In the long run, all of this is just my experience. It is not the only way to do things. It is one of many ways. I happen to prefer it because it involves very little effort. And that's a trade off, you have to do some mental work, you have to escape some mental barriers. But once you break through those barriers, it is effortless and natural for you to attract people, no matter where you go.
You become a charismatic person. And that's the name of the game for me. I'd rather be on autopilot, I'd rather just be a natural with people, I would rather not have to put on a separate personality in order to be attractive. And if that sounds good to you, then this is the podcast for you. And if it's not, then get out of here.What are you doing here?
Yeah, so it just makes sense, right? Certain people are not going to get it and certain people are going to get it. And there's no judgment either way. It really just depends on you, and how you want to operate in the world. So grain of salt with all of this.
That being said, thank you so much for listening. And if you got something out of this podcast, I'd recommend that you hit subscribe or rate, this podcast if you haven't already, that helps us out a ton.
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It'd be nice hearing from you. And I will catch you in the next episode. Thursday at 8am pacific time. See ya.