If you're here, on this page you may be thinking of your relationship and wondering..."How did it come to this?"
What the hell happened?
When things started, it was amazing! It was the two of us against the world and things were magic and romantic late-night rendezvous.
Now you don't know what to think. Did I change? Did he? Are we suddenly incompatible? When did he become such a cagey asshole? When did I become so untrusting and high strung?
Now we fight at the drop of a hat. What felt like a forever relationship now feels like it's headed for the rocks and no matter what we do, we can't change course.
If that sounds familiar, you aren't alone...
Turn back the clock to 2017. My ex-girlfriend and I were fighting. On vacation. In public. In the bustling neon market district of Seoul. People were staring.
If you asked me what we were fighting about today, I couldn't tell you. I have no recollection. But what I do remember is fighting a lot. All the time. More than in any other relationship. And no matter how many apologies and new actions we put in place, no matter how much self-development work I did, the fighting just didn't seem to stop.
It was like someone had flipped a switch in both of us and now all it took was something as trivial as buying coffee together to get into a resentful, voices raised, 30-minute arguement...and we'd stew on it until the next morning.
Where we'd make up. Own our mistakes. Create a new intention for the relationship and try our damndest to start over fresh.
It didn't seem to matter how much blood and tears we put into "us". It didn't seem to count.
Day in and day out I watched our relationship wither away and die. Who we were for each other was untrusting, walking on eggshells all the time, and yet unable to separate.
When one of us was mad, the other would surely follow suit, and then the cycle of conflict would repeat.
I tried everything to make things work.
I went to therapy, I took seminars, I went to a 9-month relationship boot camp, I spent hundreds of hours developing myself so I could be a better boyfriend.
And it got me nothing.
The fighting continued.
The only thing. The ONLY thing that made the difference, was what I'm about to teach you.
When I learned it and deployed it, the fighting stopped in less than 2 months. Let me say that a different way. After 3 straight years of fighting almost every week, I was able to get the fighting to stop after just 2 months.
Once the fighting was done, we realize the spark as gone, and we were finally able to let go of the relationship and move forward amicably as friends.
This wouldn't HAVE HAPPENED in another Universe. In any other scenario we would have been doomed to fail. A burning trainwreck coming to an inevitable stop. We'd go our separate ways after a catastrophic fight and then spend the rest of our lives avoiding and hating each other all at the same time.
Now we get to move forward into our next relationships with not only the skills to stop petty conflict entirely... but we also get to leave our baggage behind.
What most people don't realize is they have a choice in how it goes. But first, that means addressing YOUR PATTERN.
Let me explain.
Most of the time your pattern happens without you knowing it's happening.
The only way you know it exists is because you keep getting the same result.
Let me be clear, I'm not saying you should feel bad or that there's something wrong with you. In fact, this is normal. This is how most of us operate.
As a human, your pattern is the way you self sabotage.
But Rob, why would I do that to myself?
Because more than anything, your brain is wired to prioritize one thing:
It doesn't care how. Only that you do. Anytime the stakes are high, your impressionable brain is recording exactly what you did to SURVIVE the encounter.
Now notice I didn't say succeed with flying colors. Or have a great relationship with your boyfriend or husband. Or impress your boss.
It is only concerned with you living to fight another day.
Most of us survive our arguements in one of two ways:
1) We get loud and aggressive. We attack the other person's character and logic. We question their dedication to the relationship. We threaten to leave or to create consequences. We get defensive and righteous.
2) We withdraw and shut down. We try to defend ourselves by lashing out, feel terrible about it, and then sell ourselves out by apologizing for the argument when we don't believe it's our fault. Just to keep the peace. Just to make the fight and emotional pain stop. If our attempts to strategically apologize fail, we get even more hurt and lash out in anger and resentment.
Every fight you engage in that isn't successfully resolved, the more your brain gets keyed up. It will get deeper and deeper into fight or flight until all it takes is a little mishap and your brain is ready to react like it's under attack.
To make things worse, every time that you don't behave differently, your brain becomes more and more convinced that it's found THE optimal strategy to survive. That behavior gets harder to change.
The only way to address something like that is through a process called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is the ONLY mental state that allows you to change your VALUES. (That is to say, the way your brain decides what action to take. The higher up the value is...the more likely you are to take action consistent with that value)
So if your brain has decided that safety and self-protection are #1 on your value list and you feel unsafe from all the fighting. Bad news. Your behavior cannot change until you can create some cognitive dissonance.
Most people will continue to get hurt again and again by their Pattern, even when they know it exists.
"God I just can't leave this relationship even though it hurts like hell."
"I've never been dumped. I always dump. I just can't seem to meet the right person..."
"When he acts a certain way it just sets me off! I can't help it. I want him to see that he's wrong!!"
For most people, they KNOW what they should do, but they haven't been able to change.
**Everyone knows how to be better at relationships.**
Calmly discuss what isn't working and why. Help the other person feel understood. Set aside your ego and work mutually for the good of the relationship.
And yet...when push comes to shove...
Most of us fall short when it comes taking NEW action. It's hard to stop the fight from happening even if we know that if we say that ONE thing, things are going to get UGLY. Most of us can't help ourselves.
**That's where our Unconventional Coaching practice comes through.**
Our unique process combines the highly effective methodologies of The Socratic Method, Partswork /IFS, Behavioral Psychology, The CoActive Coaching Method, Game Theory, and over 200 hours of highly effective LIVE coaching in creating just enough Cognitive Dissonance that you brain can rewire itself in an atmosphere of safety. Clients report shifts in their ability to choose new actions, sometimes in as little as one session.
Our structure is uniquely equipped to help you sustain these new changes so they become a part of who you naturally are.
No more shooting yourself in the foot. No more taking things personally, getting into the endless holding pattern of more fights, or not speaking up for what you want or need from your partner.
You will be unstoppable in the face of any relationship challenge, and have the toolset to create lasting commitment, deep connection, and juicy love no matter who you're with.